These days, our D/s river runs deep and doesn’t surface often. I think it’s largely because we don’t have enough energy (or power) which could be exchanged. But it certainly continues to run, only far beneath the surface. Our two years of overt D/s have changed us: Regardless of spankings or none, we both like our life better when he’s the boss and I’m not. Xander looks out for me, and lets me have downtime and outings. I do my best to obey and address him respectfully in word and tone. I keep him in the loop of how I am doing emotionally and mentally, and I communicate my needs and preferences clearly. I support his need for downtime and give him what he needs. And I try to stick to my slow weight loss plan as best as I can, because he made it clear how much he’d like me to get my pre-kids figure back (me, too). He doesn’t ask much of me above and beyond that, and that’s pretty much as far as our D/s goes most days.
We communicate well and don’t fight much, we’ve found easy ways to connect emotionally, and we have each other’s backs. It’s a good marriage, and though I do miss the special closeness, relaxation, and the spring in my step and increased self-control I get from being well spanked and well bedded, the lack of these two are really my only complaint. It could be so much worse!
But recently, Xander put his foot down, and I was surprised I didn’t know how to respond. I’d been going to bed much too late, and I can’t afford to. I get really grumpy and irritable with the kids when I lack sleep, and it affects my health. After we’d sorted out the miscommunication that led to it all, he told me how I was to do things from now on. I was surprised and a bit thrilled (because he hasn’t told me how or what to do in a long time), and mostly relieved. And this was the sort of interaction that required a “Yes, Sir” from me, but – I couldn’t say (or rather, write) it. Not because I didn’t agree with him, or because I couldn’t submit to it, but because it meant so much to me, and I couldn’t say it without knowing if it was as important to him as it was to me, and what it meant to him. I’d been running on assumptions for too long, and I didn’t want that to happen again.
I remember how at first, saying “Yes, Sir” to my husband felt a bit awkward, but how much I loved the feeling of sharing a naughty secret with him when I said it aloud. I loved the way it made me feel submissive when it was for something that came easily and the way it reinforced my commitment to obey him when it was hard to say.
After the bedtime discussion we had over our phones, his final message said, “OK, I think you get it. So this topic is done.” I had no trouble accepting it. But I just couldn’t bring myself to write “Yes, Sir.” In fact, I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t respond at all. When he got home, I told him in person that I accepted his dictum, but I couldn’t say “Yes, Sir” to it just yet, and I’d need to talk with him about why. He said, “I did notice you didn’t reply at all.”
Later that night, I told Xander I needed to know what “Yes, Sir” meant to him before I would use it again, because it meant so much to me, and I couldn’t bear thinking it meant one thing but later finding out that it didn’t. He said, “It is very important to me. But it’s just information. This is how you tell me that you accept and will abide by my decision.” Spoken with dom-ly finality. His tone said clearly this was not open to discussion. And here I was, full of all the feelings, and he obviously didn’t feel the same… I struggled with that. After a while, I quietly gave him the “Yes, Sir” for the bedtime decision and told him I needed time to think about all of this. He said, “There’s nothing to think about”, but he also knows me well enough to give me that space when I ask for it.
It took me a whole day to mull over his view that “Yes, Sir” was “just information.” What about the D/s and the erotic thrill and all the… feels?!? Didn’t he, couldn’t he, …? But after much deliberation, I arrived at the conclusion that he’s right. Or did I simply submit and accept that this was what “Yes, Sir” was to mean for us? As I’m writing this, I can’t tell if in this case, there’s even a difference, because if I truly want him to lead me, then I do need to follow his lead. And that means I will have to let go of at least some of my ideas on how he “should” lead and instead, accept how he actually does lead. (I can always respectfully tell him if I like it or not.)
I can and do “Yes, Sir” again, because now I know it means the same to me as to him: that I accept and will abide by his decision. And at the same time, every instance of “Yes, Sir” is also an affirmation that I still want this, that I still want him as my Dom and that I still want to obey him and follow his lead. And that is a good place from which our D/s, the one according to his rule, can grow.