That day when I wrote and that last post really was awful. After I clicked “publish” on that post, I called my best friend and burst into tears. When I finally could speak, I told her how lonely I felt in my marriage, and how I didn’t know how to do this anymore… She’d been in a similar space a while back, and now she’s not, so I knew she’d understand, even if she didn’t have any advice. And she did understand, and she didn’t try to give me any advice, because she’s smart that way. Instead, she told me that she didn’t know what made it better, but that at some point, she stopped trying to make her husband do anything and started focusing on looking after herself more, and he seemed to have followed suit.
So I decided that while I didn’t even begin to know how to fill my submissive needs, I could at least stop hoping for Xander to dom me and try to come to terms with that our marriage at this point looked a lot like flatmates rather than lovers. So I buried my hope for happiness in that regard and began the hard work of coming to terms with that I wasn’t going to get what I wanted, and how to arrange my life so that I could cope with that. My heart broke a lot that day.
Xander gets a message when I publish a new post. He read my post, and because he was busy at work, just sent me a quick message that he was sorry, and that we’d talk later. And we did, later that night. And the next night. And a few times since then. And he told me he didn’t and doesn’t want to be “flatmates”, but that he thought he was doing me a favour by giving me space. In turn, I had gotten so used to coping, because he wasn’t in the position to meet my submissive needs that I’d not communicated them – or my need for simply HIM – at all, and for way too long. In short, our communication had broken down over … life, his burnout and mine, the needs of our family, work, etc.
He was shocked how much I was hurting. And if I hadn’t been so heartbroken, I’d have laughed out loud, because all of a sudden, without my prompting, he was saying all the domly things I’d been yearning to hear for years, things he never said before: That he wants me to come to him with my needs and burdens. That meeting my needs and keeping me happy is his first priority. Music to a submissive’s ear, especially when it comes from the love of her life. But, I WAS heartbroken. And though part of me wanted to, my heart couldn’t trust that he’d actually follow through, because this pattern of me being very unhappy, him taking action for a week or two in response and then fizzling out had happened too many times already. My heart had become cautious, and couldn’t bear the thought of having its hopes dashed again. So, I didn’t laugh. I didn’t feel the delight that I imagined I’d feel on the day he finally came around to understand this about himself. My response was more like “I’m ready to believe that when I see it, and not just for a fortnight.”
And yet… his heart was answering the very call my heart has been sending out for over three years now. And I think, my “giving up” may have been a necessity for this to happen. I still don’t really understand it.
I’ve written this a while ago. We had other talks since, and we are both learning to communicate a bit better about all of this. He’s telling me more of how he actually is, and I’m learning to come to him with my needs, worries, and concerns again instead of coping all by myself. And so it seems that winter has lost its cold and lonely death grip on our dynamic, and spring may be coming in.
We’ll be talking more details about our dynamic in the weeks and months, and I suppose years to follow.