Yesterday, Xander took me clothes shopping. I changed the way I’ve been eating and have lost weight, and I had no more tops that didn’t look all stretched and baggy. And I found a cute green merino sweater and some corduroy pants, all in a size 12! Last time I bought tops, they were 16s and 18s! That, and his appreciative looks are good motivation to keep going with my good diet.
Trying on clothes made me realise how I first brought D/s to my then unsuspecting husband. If D/s were clothes, I bought clothes for both of us that I liked based on how they looked on the hanger, models, or on other people. And I bought them without checking the material, trying them on, or asking my man whether he liked them on me or on himself. And then I ended up disappointed that he wouldn’t wear them, or wouldn’t comment favourably how they looked on me. And I thought something was wrong with me when they didn’t fit all that well.
Now in regards to real clothes, my man chooses and buys his own, and he simply won’t wear what’s not comfortable, stylish and has a certain class. His taste in clothes is more conservative than adventurous. He doesn’t wear bright colours or bold patterns. He doesn’t need to; his quiet strength and charm are plenty enough to make him stand out. And when he helps me choose, the items he picks for me are often bolder than what I’d dare, but I try them on, and he’s got a great eye for what suits me. In fact, most of my clothes that I get complimented in, sometimes even by strangers, were picked by him.
Back to our D/s journey, though: In the first two years, I was in a form of sub frenzy. Now that I knew what I wanted, I wanted it all and I wanted it now, and despite my best efforts to not overwhelm my darling husband / newly crowned Dom, I still did.
What is subfrenzy? According to Kayla Lords, “A heady emotional time when a submissive is so excited and eager to submit that they go above and beyond, are overly enthusiastic, and will sometimes submit to someone not worthy out of the sheer excitement and happiness to be submitting at all.” More here or here, if you’re keen to learn more.
And after two years of that, I couldn’t / wouldn’t do it anymore. Several reasons contributed to that D/s hiatus last year (among them stress and medical issues for both of us), but one that I hadn’t seen clearly then was that I was trying to “do” our D/s in a particular way and exhausting myself and frustrating him in the process. I was wearing metaphorical high heels that killed my feet and back, thinking “this is what a good sub wears”, and not realising that he’d never asked me to wear them and probably wouldn’t have picked them for me either. They sure looked good in the shop window, but they weren’t me, or him, or us.
When I called it quits on the D/s we’d done so far, I told Xander that I still wanted him to lead, but that I needed it to be really his leadership from now on, not just my version of what I thought our D/s should look like. And that meant, I had – and still have to – wait for him to find ways to lead us that feel good and comfortable and right to him. So, nowadays, much more than before, I’ll ask his opinion on particular ways of submitting to him before I “buy” them. Kind of like clothes shopping. “Look what I found! Do you like it on me? Do you want me to wear this? Do you think it suits me?” And if he says no, then I’ll put it back on the rack where I found it. Maybe even without moping.
The difference to before is, we’re going D/s shopping together these days, even if it’s at my prompting (“I need a new top!”). But I’m not buying things before trying them on anymore, and not without his approval.
And, unsurprisingly, his buy-in is a lot bigger than before.